Toxic People: decontaminate difficult people at work without using weapons or duct tape!

By Marsha Petrie Sue, MBA, CSP and Decontaminator of Toxic People

There have been people put on this earth to push your buttons, tick you off and suck the life out of you. You know who they are. There are approaches and skills you can use to manage people who create perplexity, puzzlement and pandemonium. If you are tired of being contaminated by these toxic people, you are in the right place.

You have several choices when thinking about coping strategies, including hating them, quitting your job or just plain copping out. If you are looking for ways to manage their behavior, then read on. Most people in messy interactions, unwittingly promote the behavior they really don’t want. The need to move from indignation to effective action should be the goal. This means old skills must be tossed and new ones learned and practiced. Translation: no more excuses!

Have you ever said:

• “I’m so mad I can’t see straight.”
• “They make me so mad!”
• “Who do they think they are?”
• “They just don’t know who they are messing with!”

These words are an admission that the other person is controlling you. Is that what you really want? If you say “sure” or “sometimes,” stop reading and give this article to someone who DOES want to change. And believe me, some people are lazy and give change lip service. They really don’t want the situation to change. Is this you? If so, stop making excuses. Today. Right now!

Solution? Identify whom you are dealing with and then what you must do! Remember: They can’t get your goat if you don’t tell them where it’s tied up. Learn to hide your goat and identify types of toxicity at a glance.

• Steamrollers
• Zipper Lip
• The Back Stabber
• Know-It-All
• Whine and Cheese
• Fault Finder

You can probably guess the behaviors associated with each of these. Three of the most difficult Toxic Types are outlined below. Are you willing to challenge yourself to change and use new tools for old problems? Be honest?

1. Steamrollers

Behaviors to watch for…

• Intimidating – Get control by putting others down
• Controlling – Rule from command post
• Fast Attack – Quick to anger
• Judgmental – “No” to changes they haven’t initiated
• Rigid – Unwilling to listen to new ideas
  
  The message they send
• Give in to me and I won’t hurt you
• Let me have my own way or I will humiliate you
• Defer to me and I will pretend I like you
• If you want to be criticized, ask me to do something
• Do not arouse me – I’ll attack
  
  What are the payoffs for them?
• It worked again!
• Once again, they are in control!
  
  What to do
• Hold your ground. Be assertive. Use a communication skill that works.
• Wait. Pause. Think.
• Don’t attack. They are better at it than you are.
• Get their attention. Use their name. Use direct eye contact.
• Avoid argument. You will rarely win. Period.
  
  Approach considerations:
• “ It seems we’ve reached a stalemate here. Let me think over your ideas.”
• “ Kim, as I was saying, I have a solution for this problem!”
• “That is very true and is definitely a first step. I’d like your ideas on additional steps.”
• “You may be right. Help me understand where you are coming from.”
  
  Behaviors to avoid:
• Do not take it personally. You will if your confidence is bad.
• Do not put yourself down. This is their goal.
• Do not avoid them. They will find you.

2. Zipper lip

Behaviors to watch for…

• Shut Down – Won’t talk or share
• One word answers – They use yes, no or grunts
• Create a mystery – Don’t ask because I won’t tell
• May play stupid – “I don’t know”
  
  The message they send
• Leave me alone and you won’t have to deal with this uncomfortable silence.
• Don’t confront me because it won’t do you any good.
• Silence is control. I control what I will say, not you.
• Be careful. I might blow up if you push too hard.
  
  What are the payoffs for them?
• I’ll never have to say another word.
• No personal accountability at all.
  
  What to do!
• Don’t ignore their silence. Remember this is their payoff.
• Ask open-ended questions that start with what, why, when, where and how.
• Tell them in private you need their help. Creating a “safe” environment may work.
• Create communication ground rules including the need for two-way interaction.
• Rotate who facilitates meetings.
  
  Approach considerations:
• “It seems like you’re giving this some thought. Tell me two things that are coming to mind.”
• “I expected you to have responded by now and you haven’t. So I’ll just wait.”
• “I need to know how you feel about this.”
  
  Behaviors to Avoid:
• Do not let them think they are getting away with their silence.
• Do not blame yourself.
• Do not criticize them.

3. The Back Stabber

Behaviors to watch for:

• Gossipers and are usually part of the grape vine.
• Attacks from behind and are not direct.
• Snipes with words and stabs with putdowns.
• Hides out.
• Pretends they have done nothing.
• Builds allies.
• Gangs up before attack.
  
  The messages they send
• Don’t mess with me or I’ll get you from behind later.
• Be careful what you say about me or I’ll say something that will embarrass you in front of others.
• There is nothing you can do to stop me. I’m more clever.
• Maybe you don’t see the weakness in yourself. It’s lucky for you I’m honest. You need to listen to my criticism.
  
  What are the payoffs for them?
• People are afraid and leave them alone.
• Bully, which they interpret as power.
• They can be a front stabber too by gaining recognition – though not necessarily positive.
  
  What to do
• Practice exactly what you will say to them.
• Don’t let them frustrate or confuse you.
• Use direct eye contact.
• Stay pleasant, assertive for forward thinking.
  
  Approach considerations:
• “That did sound like you were serious. Do the rest of you feel that way? Is this becoming a problem?”
• “Nan, I understand that you’re unhappy with the plan. Your feedback is important. I want to hear what you really think.”
  
  Avoid:
• Do not ignore the damage a Back Stabber can do.
• Do not laugh. This just reinforces their control.
• Do not wait for them to change. They know this behavior has worked in the past with others.

Stick to your guns and practice with these approaches. I would recommend beginning with family and friends at home before you take your new weaponry to the boardroom. Get really good at identifying your target and skillfully selecting the right approach. You will be amazed with your success and the positive outcomes.

Marsha is a former Fortune 500 executive, professional speaker and author whose focus is personal responsibility, communications and leadership. She is the author of Toxic People, The CEO of YOU. 

Marsha Petrie Sue, MBA, CSP (Certified Speaking Professional)
PO Box 15218, Scottsdale AZ 85267
1.866.661.8756 cell: 602.418.1991

fax: 480.661.8755
Connect with Marsha Petrie Sue – Speaker, Author, Executive Coach:
http://www.ReactorFactorBook.com
http://www.youtube.com/user/mpsue
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/0/047/079
http://www.plaxo.com/directory/profile/
167503848635/58cb43f7/Marsha/Sue
http://www.facebook.com/marshapetriesue

Morning in the East Bay Reports: New Location a Hit!  

By Nancy Baker and Stacey Bales, Program Chairs

The East Bay Chapter’s “big” event “Morning in the East Bay” held on January 21, 2010 was a huge success. After many years at the Oakland Marriott, the Chapter ventured to Berkeley to hold its yearly event at the restored Hotel Shattuck, conveniently located one block from the Downtown BART station.

The event took place in a section of the grand ballroom with vendor tables in the back of the room, which allowed our vendors to be a big part of the event.

Marsha Petrie Sue started off the program with “Decontaminate Toxic People.” Michael Ward, from the law firm of Fitzgerald Abbott & Beardsley LLP, followed with our annual “Labor Law Updates for 2010.” Marsha finished the program with a presentation entitled “Smart Moves in Tough Times.” Marsha and Michael held everyone’s attention - including our vendors.

Don’t worry if you missed this year’s “Morning in the East Bay,” EBALA is in the planning stages for next year’s event which will be held in January 2011. Be sure to watch for the SAVE THE DATE e-mail which will be coming soon.

The EBALA Chapter would like to thank all members whose attendance helped make our event a success. A special thanks goes out to our vendors for their continued support and dedication to our Chapter. 

President's Message

Where has the time gone? It was almost a year ago that I began my term as President of EBALA and it is almost time to hand over the reins to a new “commander in chief”. But before doing so, I wanted to take a brief trip down “memory lane”……

In the past few weeks, I have reflected on our accomplishments – yes, our accomplishments, because it takes all of us to succeed – and I am convinced that EBALA and its members have made a positive difference in the lives of others.

A few examples readily come to mind. Because of the commitment of our members and business partners, we were able to support our local communities during the Community Challenge last October by lending a helping hand at the Alameda County and Contra Costa/Solano Food Banks. In addition, in May, members participated in “mock” interview sessions at Wardrobe for Opportunity, a non-profit organization that assists men and women in their effort to re-enter the workforce. I would like to thank all of the members and business partners who participated in these events, as your efforts made a difference in the lives of others.

Not to be outdone by our community efforts, throughout the year, a wide variety of programs and roundtables were offered to our members and most recently, our popular educational seminar, “Morning in the East Bay” was held at the newly-renovated Hotel Shattuck in Berkeley. Our keynote speaker, Marsha Petrie Sue, who has presented at many ALA events and is always a crowd favorite, did not disappoint those who attended. In addition, Michael Ward, managing partner of Fitzgerald Abbott & Beardsley, LLP, shared the dais with Marsha and provided a “plain English” explanation of the new labor law statutes which took effect in January, 2010. The day also provided our business partners an opportunity to share their thoughts and ideas on how they could help our members in the coming year.

As legal administrators, we began 2009 with caution due to the economic uncertainty and how it would affect our day-to-day responsibilities and the future of both our professional and personal lives. Hopefully, the programs and opportunities that EBALA and ALA offered this past year helped provide you with a “road map” to guide you through those difficult turns. But don’t put that road map away just yet. In fact, right around the next turn is another educational opportunity -- the 2010 ALA National Conference in Boston on May 3-6, 2010. If you have not already done so, I encourage you to consider attending the conference as it promises to be a fantastic opportunity to network with other legal administrators, provide you a myriad of educational sessions, strengthen those ties with our valued business partners and give you a chance to “catch up” with old friends from around the country.

As we begin 2010, EBALA and its board will continue in their efforts to “fine tune” that road map so that relevant programs and educational sessions are offered throughout the year. This is where you can help direct us down the right path. If there is a specific topic that you would be interested in learning more about, let’s hear from you. This is your organization. Let’s work together to make it the best!
On a personal note, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of the 2009-10 EBALA board members for their invaluable guidance and assistance during my tenure as President. Their unselfish efforts and unwavering commitment to EBALA and its members are a true testament to the meaning of “teamwork”. Although my professional “adventure” with EBALA began only four years ago, the friendships that I have made during this time will last me a lifetime. Here’s to 2010 and beyond……….

Linda Brady
EBALA President
Craddick, Candland & Conti

 Email That's Easier

By Jason Clause, Endsight www.endsight.net

Business users spend an enormous amount of time reading, categorizing, filing and searching for email. SPAM filtering technology has really helped to reduce the amount of e-mails to work through, but the remaining legitimate e-mail is still overwhelming. Many users are able to keep their inboxes organized by using automated filters and rules, but that can still make locating e-mail difficult. As a result, many users simply abandon all hope of managing e-mail and simply let the inbox grow unchecked.

This strategy works for a time but eventually individual e-mail stores grow so big that rudimentary searches return unmanageable search results. In addition, the e-mail application itself becomes so sluggish that sometimes it feels like a carrier pigeon would be faster.

Many law firms use messaging software published by Microsoft. This server-based software is called Microsoft Exchange and the client-based software is called Microsoft Outlook. Several releases back, Microsoft introduced a feature called Cached Exchange Mode. This feature allows Outlook to store a local copy of an individuals e-mail on the end users computer or laptop. Saving this data locally reduces the amount that needs to be pulled across the network from the e-mail server, thus allowing e-mail to run much faster. Cached Exchange Mode works very well as long as the e-mail store on the end users computer or laptop is smaller than 2 gigabytes (GB’s). As the inbox gets closer and closer to its size limit, performance degrades and that really frustrates people. 

The standard solution to an exploding e-mail data store is to archive. Archiving requires the user to move older e-mail to a folder that is stored locally on their computer. Unfortunately, most users find this solution almost as frustrating as slow performance because once an e-mail is archived, it becomes really challenging to locate. 

Law firms need a means to reduce the size of their individual mailboxes which would then allow their users easy access to archived e-mail while quickly and more completely searching e-mails.

The newest release of Microsoft Exchange, Exchange 2010, includes archiving technology. This functionality will allow a law firm to set rules that dictate when an e-mail should be archived. Based on those rules, archived e-mail will be removed from an individual users e-mail store automatically. End users will still be able to see a header in their mailbox that contains data such as sender, subject and time stamp. Clicking on the header will download the archived e-mail to the local data store. This function keeps the local e-mail store under the 2 GB limit and still allows end users to access to ALL of their e-mail regardless of its archive status. For more information about Exchange 2010, click here:
http://www.microsoft.com/exchange/2010/en/us/Archiving-
and-retention.aspx

To help users find all their readily available e-mail more quickly, there is a free downloadable plug-in to Microsoft Outlook called Xobni. This technology helps users quickly find e-mail, conversations, contact information and attachments.

Search results are displayed in a window that is integrated into the Outlook interface and provides a 360 degree view off all the communication and e-mail attachments associated with the search. The search results are nearly instant providing significant time savings. To learn more about Xobni click here: http:/www.xobni.com/

Upgrading an e-mail server requires a lot of work, and down loading software from the internet without permission from the IT department isn’t recommended. In both cases, it’s advisable to ask the IT team about the plan for the future. It’s likely that a project is already underway to help provide better archiving and search.

About Jason Clause
Originally from the great state of Ohio, Jason Clause relocated to the Bay Area to work in high-tech. A veteran of the dot com boom and bust, Jason has more than 10 years experience helping small businesses apply information technology to improve business process and increase revenue. Jason lives in Dublin, California with his wife Jennifer. He enjoys hiking, cooking and quiet time at home. His hobbies include golf, snowboarding, creative writing and performing amateur standup comedy.
Connect with Jason: Blog, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn

About Endsight
Headquarters in Berkeley, CA – Endsight provides “all you can eat” outsourced IT support to small businesses in the San Francisco Bay Area. Endsight’s outsourced IT service is a combination of highly trained IT professionals, remote management technology and proprietary workflow process. With nearly 100 individual small businesses computer networks totaling more than 3000 individual computers and 350 servers, Endsight’s clients enjoy reliable networks with average support response times of 5 minutes or less. Endsight’s commitment to reliable computer networks and its ability to measurably deliver on that commitments result in client satisfaction scores of 95% or better. For more information, visit www.endsight.net or call 510-280-2018.

 Member Spotlight: Terri Jardine

Terri Jardine
Director of Administration
Morgan Miller Blair

I’m fairly certain I did a member profile back when EBALA was first granted its chapter license, so if anyone has historian tendencies, I apologize for repeating myself. I’m also fairly certain the readability of the profile will be much clearer without the purple ink of the mimeograph machine. So, get out your pillows for a short nap - here goes.

My greatest claim to fame is that I come from a fantastically fun family that might be considered a large family (6 brothers and 2 sisters) who grew up in a small farm community in Illinois. All the boys’ names begin with “K” and all the girls’ begin with “T”. Clever parents! We tried out for family feud and made it to the final round and then were cut! In hindsight a very good thing that saved us all from years of embarrassment! I remain loyal to my Midwest upbringing and friends, but leaving the flat, snow covered lands of Illinois to move to the winding hills of wine country in Napa, California probably would not garner a single moment of hesitation from anyone and it certainly didn’t require twisting my arm either.

In 1976 I unpacked my bib overalls and warm woolen mittens and set out to find a job that would make the friends back home proud (and a little jealous). I landed a job with a CPA in Sonoma, California and adjusted to NorCal life for the next four years learning every day and doing the accounting and taxes for many of the local businesses which at the time included Sonoma Mission Inn & Sebastiani Winery.

California was proving to be pretty darn fun. I was building an amazing network of friends and acquaintances; life was good and about to get better! I met and married my best friend in life and probably the sole man on this earth who would put up with me for 30+ years of love, laughter and lunacy. We made our home in Napa and soon my desire to have dinner on the table, cocktails shaken (not stirred) and my chiffon apron on as he walked through the door each day, led me to accept my first law firm position in downtown Napa. The folks of Dickenson, Peatman & Fogarty (“DP&F”) were willing to take a chance on me, even without legal experience of any kind. This is where my circle of life begins. I was eager to learn and they were happy to teach and loved my winery accounting background as the majority of their clients were wineries. California was really very fun!

We welcomed our first daughter, she learned to spell C A B E R N E T and after four years of almost grasping the balance of a baby, a husband and the unique personalities only a law firm can offer, my husband’s job transferred us to the Walnut Creek area, where I accepted a job with a small boutique law firm by the name of Van Voorhis & Skaggs (“VV&S”). I worked with Jenny Johnson (one of the founding members of EBALA) and learned more about law firm management than I ever dreamed I could learn from one amazing woman. If we ever wanted a guest speaker on organization and delegation, she’s our speaker. VV&S was courted by one of the big SF firms and eventually merged into McCutchen Doyle Brown & Enersen (now Bingham McCutchen). The administrative team of Johnson & Jardine carried on for 12 incredible years and then I ventured out to try out my administrative abilities with a start up. The lure of law is a strong one. Six months later, I was back in Walnut Creek working for Morgan Miller Blair (“MMB”), again because of my connections with an administrator from ALA.

I just celebrated my 13th year with MMB and feel I have come full circle because I not only work in the same physical location as I did when I first began working in Walnut Creek 25 years ago, but at my current job with MMB I now work with one attorney who lives and serves on the Napa County Bar Association with an attorney from my first law firm DP&F, and another attorney who was my managing partner from my first Walnut Creek law firm, VV&S. The legal community is a strong and wondrous world.

My professional life and the connections and friendships I have been lucky enough to form by being associated with ALA and EBALA have been a gift. I am one of the “came through the ranks” administrators and I continue to find the challenge, the uniqueness and the energy of working in a law firm one of the best jobs on the planet.

As for my personal life, which I place a very high value on and insist upon balancing with my job, my husband Jon and I continue to love and laugh through each day. We welcomed a second daughter about three years after the first one and we’ve been lucky enough to witness kindergarten through college graduation in sixteen cherished years and employment afterwards for each of them and one son-in-law. We love the outdoors, a nice glass of wine on occasion, sports of any type, and oh yeah – Northern California. It truly is the best place to live!

ALA's Job Bank

ALA Management Connections^SM is an online job bank that connects law firms, corporations, governmental agencies and similar professional service organizations with prospective candidates for nonlawyer positions. The job bank service offers two convenient ways to link employers to potential employees:

Employers can advertise position openings and search through online résumés to find qualified candidates.

Legal administrators and legal support staff can post their résumés online in either a public or confidential manner. Job Seekers also have the ability to search through job advertisements placed by employers.

Advertising Information

For advertising information, please contact:

Alice Wiley
510.444.6800

The EAST BAY VIEWS is published quarterly to provide information for the education and benefit of legal administrators, law office managers, managing partners of law firms and corporate law departments, and others interested in law firm management. The East Bay Chapter of the ALA is not engaged in rendering legal, financial or tax counseling through this publication. No statement in this newsletter should be interpreted as legal, financial or tax advice.

Any articles, letters or advertisements published in the EAST BAY VIEWS should not be considered an endorsement by the East Bay Chapter of the ALA of the opinions expressed therein or any product(s) advertised. Contributing authors are requested and expected to disclose financial and/or professional interests and affiliations which may influence their writing position. All advertising is subject to approval by the Editor. Advertisers assume liability of all content of advertisements printed and assume responsibility for any claims based upon subject matter.

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